This week, the owners of a pizza place in Indiana declared they would not cater a gay wedding because that would violate their religious beliefs.  This announcement sent chills through the LGBT community and wedding planners alike because if there is one thing gay wedding receptions are known for, it’s pizza.  Soon to be same-sex married couples all over the state are now scrambling to find pizza places willing to cater their wedding while some couples have made the drastic choice to exclude pizza all together from their receptions.  This has provided an unexpected boon to more gay friendly food industries like taco trucks and burger stands but, oddly enough, sales of rainbow sherbet remain flat.

When asked how many weddings they had catered last year, one of the owners of Memories Pizza had this to say, “We only catered one wedding last year, but it was the groom’s fourth wedding and we had catered two of his previous three.  It is always an honor to serve our food in celebration of this blessed sacrament.” The bride and groom could not be reached for comment because they are both currently incarcerated on drug and domestic abuse charges.

Some have pointed out that refusing to serve homosexuals does not seem to be in the spirit of how Jesus lived.  To those who feel Christians ought to be more compassionate, the owners cite an obscure quote attributed to Jesus that does not appear in any modern Biblical translations.  They claim that the last of the beatitudes should actually read, “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven – except the gays.”  In fact, they claim the term, “except the gays” originally appeared numerous times in the New Testament, generally after calls for social justice. However, over the centuries, various translations inspired by Satan have made Jesus out to be much more compassionate than he actually was.  In the original wedding at Cana story, Jesus first asked everyone’s sexual orientation, and only after kicking out everyone who once had a gay thought was he able to turn water into wine.

Another owner was relieved to finally be able to legally discriminate because, “God sees everything, and if he sees us catering to a group of homosexuals, then he might think that we are gay and then our immortal souls will burn in hell.  It’s a slippery slope that I don’t want to go down.  I just want to have heterosexual customers that way I don’t make God angry.”  When asked for comment, God was too busy keeping tabs on the sexual orientation of pizza shop customers and could not respond.  However, St. Peter did release this statement from heaven: “We urge all restaurants to be extremely cautious regarding who they serve.  Some people seem straight but may have experimented in college.  The safest thing to do is not serve anyone, shut down your business, lock yourself in your home and pray.”

The situation in Indiana is still fluid.  On Thursday, Indiana legislators amended the religious freedom bill to include a provision making it illegal to discriminate against people on the basis of sexual orientation.  It appears as though Memories Pizza may still have to suffer the horrible indignity of serving pizza to customers regardless of their sexuality.